Every day life

EVERYTIME I eat pizza I have intrusive thoughts of slapping the closest person to me in the face with a slice 😂😂

I was scooping dog food out of the can once, put the dog’s bowl down for him. Then in a daze, licked the spoon. 😳🤦🏻‍♂️

I literally took six flights of stairs because of people on the elevator. 😂

I disassembled a fan at work and I looked at the screws on my table like “I could put them in my mouth”

Stressful day….i drove past a giant Easter egg hunt with all the kids lined up and ready to start. I thought about driving a riding lawnmower over the eggs 😅

Whenever I see couples being cheesy I have the urge to pretend I dated one of them

I grew up in church and wanted to yell “no” to the pastor during a service to see everyone’s reactions.. held back from that temptation though

I often get the sudden urge to cartwheel. Then remember I’m large and in charge and not built for such activities

I used to think that photos lose color and become black and white as the time passes 😅 (we had some old photos of my grandparents and parents in b&w) and my friend thought that there was a man who’s whole job was to turn all the street lights on at night

If I asked for a McDonald’s as a kid, my mom usually responded with “we don’t have the money” so I thought there was a specific currency for McDonalds

My oldest son told me to prerecord me sounding like I need to get out of a box so he can play it when I die😂😂😂 I’m gonna do it!

Accidentally waxed off 1/2 my eyebrow in 8th grade. Told people I had a seizure & they injected meds there. Wore a bandanna low until it grew back

One time my mum was taking our dead dog to be cremated on the tube when a big guy asked her what was in the bag. She panicked and said laptops and heran away with it to

Awkward dates we've been on...

@Fezzi:We went to the movies, she wanted me to hold her hand so she said her hand was cold, I told her I could get her a glove 💀

@Brandy_sunshine:Mine was a guy who drank 4 doubles in 30 min then proceeded to say he could do the splits like M.J. He tried and fell over, then poured his drink on the floor claiming the floor wasn’t slippery enough

@Glen:There was the time we went for breakfast, she directed me to a diner, where her mom worked and we were picking up her kids! When I left later, she jumped/layed on my car hood, wouldn’t let me leave!

@LoriG:When we met up at a steakhouse and he didn’t bring his teeth.

@Annie Canvas:My friend went on a first date w/ a woman he’d never met. She presented him with a scrapbook of pics she’d photoshopped of them together. 😬

@Megan:We went to see a movie and he started holding my hand — halfway through he began sniffing, licking, and nuzzling my hand. I left.

@Seadisco:Second date in high school I was invited over to his house. The whole family discussed aggressively in Russian whether I’d make a suitable wife


I was in subway with my friend so I asked if she wanted a £3 meal or a £5 meal, she replied I dunno, how much are they?

Supa sleepy💤

I woke up and wanted to see if I was late.

checked the percentage on my phone then went back to sleep.

while watching the passion of christ I said to my wife he dies in the end, she said ain’t no point in watching it now and stormed off 😁😂😂

Humans are really cute!

When you look at it differently

We aren’t swimming animals but we put on lil costumes and splash around

Or how we invented socks to keep our little feetsies warm 😆❤️

or how to show our everlasting love we find a pretty treasure for someone to wear on their fingers

And we buy things to decorate stuff just how we want because it makes us happy.

and that we decorate our homes for different holidays

When you're over it...

I told my ex that no matter how hard he ran from his reality, he won’t ever be a real man because he wasn’t raised by one. Lol he cried

Security at the building I worked at made fun of my last name, “Bro, you’re 5’4 on a good day, you’re too short to be making jokes that loud”

I told mine that if can’t do the bare minimum in a relationship, he should at least be able to do the bare minimum in the bedroom

A guy was picking on a girl sitting next to me and I looked at him and said “does putting ppl down make u feel good bc you think so little of urself

Once told a guy that was harassing me at a bar that he was “brave” for wearing his outfit… & I just walked away😂

when a guy I slept with lasted five minutes and said “well we both know what this was” I replied “yeah I just thought it would last a little longer”

I purposely called my bf my ex’s name as payback because he had told me I needed to lose 20 lbs

my ex said i would never find someone like him so i said “i hope not.”

What's the meanest thing you've said to a man?

I told my ex he should take after his dad more. The one who killed himself. He was and is an abusive piece of sh* I regret nothing.

He told everyone it was easy to get with me so I told people I don’t count what I couldn’t feel 🍤 he never talked to me again

He told me my family doesn’t love me so I said “coming from the foster child”

My ex once told me he could tell I grew up in a broken home. I told him I could tell he never grew up at all. For reference he was 32

I also once told a man that everybody laughs when he tells a joke because They feel bad for him

“your dad was right about you” because I knew he was desperate for his dad’s approval and his dad thought he was a total screw up 

Once I said to my mental and physically abusive ex “I wonder how you mom will react knowing that you became just like your dad” he cried